Bethan Cooper Never Say Goodbye (epub)

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.” I hold my hand out for him to follow me onto the hood of my car.He takes it and we laugh when he falls against the hard metal.“Lay back and look at true beauty.The stars are out in full force tonight.It’s a perfect night for stargazing.Isn’t the sky beautiful? I always count myself lucky to have life, so I can have moments like this.See magnificent things, with these magnificent camera’s we all call eyes.Capturing and memorizing our precious memories and storing them in our own personal photo album.”“Like a human camera.” He whispers.“Like a human camera.” I repeat.We sit and gaze for at least ten minutes, neither of us speaking, Heartbeats playing on repeat, and right now, I could listen to it forever.I drop my hands to my side, and it’s then that Luke grabs my hand.His fingers weave and lock with mine, and an unexplained shiver takes over my body.I sit up immediately and he follows.“You can’t do that.” I protest.“I can, Ella, and I will.” Before I can even mutter a reply he is over me, kissing me with such persistence and force that I'm demanded to lay back.Butterflies explode in my stomach and over power me.His kiss grows deep and he toys and bites my bottom lip.I let out a groan and give his tongue easy access to fight mine.Our tongues lock and caress each other, it feels like a real kiss should, but this one just means so much more.His hands hold my face and bury into my hair, his body is leant over mine, delicately avoiding hurting me.When he gently lets go, he is breathless.I’m staring into his eyes and the green of his connects with the grey of mine.He rests his forehead on mine and closes his eyes.“Ella,” He breathes.“Date me, let's go somewhere.Let's try.”“You’ll be made fun of, Luke.They will all make jokes.”“I don’t care.I want to get to know you.I want to know you, Ella.All of you.What your favorite food is, where you grew up, what your favorite perfume is, and what's your favorite song? Your best memory and your personal goal.Do you like tea or coffee? I just want to know you, Ella.” I shift underneath him and he gently slides off me and onto the grass.“Luke, it’s late, we need to go.” I climb down, retrieve my keys from the ignition, and walk back to his car.I try the passenger door, and it’s locked.“Unlock this please.” He stands and comes behind me, my back to his front.He puts his head next to my ear and breathes in.“No." His whisper is almost seductive.“Turn around, Ella, let me see you.” I turn, and he doesn’t look at me - but kisses me and lets me fall deep into him again.My hands are pinned under him against the car.I break away and my breathing calms.“Open the door, Luke.”“Date me.” He demands.“Maybe.” I say, through an unrecognized smile.He opens the door with the key, rather than the key fob, and doesn’t take his eyes off mine.When it unlocks, he lets me go.“Thank you.”“You're welcome.” He walks around the car and gets into the driver's side.He slides into his seat with such grace.“Mac and cheese, Charlotte - North Carolina, I don’t wear perfume, Dream Catch Me, watching Holly grow up, to be a writer, and coffee.Anything else?” I don’t think I stopped to breathe.I look at him and catch his smile.He starts the car and the huge engine roars to life.“Mac and cheese huh? Interesting choice.” His smile is infectious.“I like mac and cheese.” I grumble.“What kind of car is this? It’s huge, just for one person.”“It’s a Mercedes ML-Class 4.0 v8 diesel.I got it for my eighteenth birthday.Are you going to continue to ask me pointless questions or are we going to talk about what just happened?” The car speeds slightly and I can tell instantly from his driving, he is getting anxious.“I don't know what to say, Luke.I like you kissing me.Feeling all those magical flutters flow through my veins, it’s like an explosion that I can’t subside.” I shake my head and he slows the speed of the car slightly.“I like kissing you too.” He breathes.He plays around with something on the steering wheel and the car is filled with music.'When September ends'.As he drives, the song sends me off into a daydream.The lyrics are speaking to me in a way they shouldn’t.I try to block it out, but here it comes.It’s back and raging in full force.I need to cut.No, I don’t!Cut Ella! Cut! Cut!NO!My mind is torturing me.I must have forgotten to take my pills.I’m oblivious to where I am.I’m with Luke.He cares for me.No, I don’t need to cut.I don't.I don’t.I FUCKING DON’T.Okay Ella, calm down.Remember what your Dr.said.Happiness is with the beholder.No, Luke, doesn’t care for me, he just wants to fuck me.NO!I need to get home before I have an anxiety attack.My whole body has tensed just from one sad song.I can’t be this weak, I got so far.I feel sweat pour down my face.Luke puts on another song and all that tension and wanting to hurt goes.It feels so much better.I’m calmed immediately.It’s 'Baby Got Back'.He goes to change the track and I have to stop him.“No, Luke, I like this song.” So he leaves it and we drive down the long road I was so relaxed driving on earlier.Chapter ThreeWe drive home with soft songs playing, none of which are making me anxious.I direct him to my house and we laugh and joke all the way.I totally forget about my anxiety attack.I’m glad I controlled it and that he didn’t have to witness it.At least not yet, well, that’s if he wants some kind of relationship with me.If he knew, he would be running for the hills.My illness is forbidden to be spoken about.Sometimes I just have to scream it out, run and scream.It’s so built up, but my pills help me.My mom was heartbroken when she found out what I had done.I was shocked to see her that way.Begging me to stop, pulling at my clothes, sobbing.I just held her.Held her until she stopped.It’s an addiction.Just one more pill, just one more drink, just one more drag, just one more cut.We’re all addicted to something, something that takes away the pain.We’re all scared of ourselves.Scared of the inner workings of our own minds.Desperate for an escape, a way out, a release.Living in such a cruel world, we don’t know what to do anymore.We’ve lost sight of who we are.We just indulge in habits that kill us; kills us so sweetly, so sinfully.We take comfort in the pain, it’s familiar, it’s what we know.Just one more pill, just one more drink, just one more drag, just one more cut [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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