Diana Estill You Can't Change Crazy (epub) i

[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
.Under her circumstances, buckling up was not an option.Ron hastened back to the nearest truck stop with Julie perched on the edge of her captain’s chair and counting the seconds.By the time the family arrived at the big rig facility, Julie was in need of a complete change of clothing and a full facial disguise.She barked orders to Hannah, instructing her to expedite a pair of shorts and underwear to the ladies’ room, then sprinted for porcelain.Unfortunately, all Julie’s extra garments were buried inside luggage now trapped under four bicycles and a spaghetti assemblage of bungee cords.“I can’t wait to scrapbook this,” Hannah said, while Julie stood naked from the waist down inside a bathroom stall, waiting on Ron to wrestle free her clean panties.Every time Ron tells this story, he delivers the final line with Adam Richman-like flair.“In this tale of Woman Versus Food, I think it’s fair to say… food won.”(“Woman vs.Food” appears in the book Crap Chronicles: When IBS Strikes in All the Wrong Places.)Why Men Like Explosions in MoviesSeveral friends and I recently discussed the differences between men’s and women’s tastes in movies.I’m talking about action adventures compared to life dramas that deal with more realistic subjects, such as finding a soul mate via time travel.Guys want the movies they watch to be packed with astonishing pyrotechnics that deliver excessive jolts of adrenaline.“If something doesn’t blow up in the first 15 minutes,” my friend’s spouse confessed, “I’m out of there.”The other men seated at our restaurant table nodded in agreement.We ladies shared a knowing laugh.Then one of the kitchen’s wait staff dropped what sounded like a four-piece serving for 50.The gentleman seated next to me expressed his concerns by applauding.Why are men so enamored with things that go “BANG?” I wondered.Perhaps the male of our species welcomes anything that interrupts otherwise constant thoughts of sex.Nah, that can’t be it.Nothing could be that jarring.When it comes to movies, men are attracted to explosions and fires and guns because viewing these images of power helps satisfy their urges to destroy opposition.Think you won that last argument with your man? Nope.He obliterated your score while watching Transformers.You just didn’t know it.Gals, here’s the deal: Men are wired to want something to erupt—loudly.This clearly works to their advantage.As long as there’s plenty of noise, they can avoid listening to us talk.Furthermore, car explosions and artillery bombs and asteroid collisions boost men’s confidence because they’re always looking for an equalizer to prove size really doesn’t matter.They’ve never been fully convinced.The metaphorical links between explosions and heated desires have been well established.Items that can be detonated are dangerous, and danger, as everyone knows, is an aphrodisiac.This explains why many men say they’re “looking for fireworks in the bedroom.”Explosives are naturally arousing.Good grief, the word “combustible” even includes the word “bust.”To a guy, there’s nothing more thrilling than giant fireballs spewing debris and carnage.Don’t ask them to watch a movie that has a dramatic plot, one with actual dialogue and fully clothed stars.That would require too much cerebral effort for anything that lacks a powerful climax.However, when I’m watching a movie, if something blows up during the first 15 minutes, then I expect whatever follows to be a two-hour waste.Unless, of course, that is the inciting incident that sends the heroine on a journey of self-discovery that takes her to some exotic locale, wherein she meets some gorgeous hunk of hormones who is suffering from a tragic loss, and they fall in love, drift apart, and then, through some chance event, reunite and eventually marry and live harmoniously ever after, despite having four children, three dogs, two cats, one iguana, and a mother-in-law sharing their quarters.See, women are just more realistic when it comes to what they expect from movies.(“Why Men Like Explosions in Movies” appears in the book Stilettos No More.)Eaters Can Be CheatersMy husband was called out of town on business for several days, which triggered me to behave like some wild, carefree bachelorette.Before I’d even realized the transformation occurring, I found myself inside a place where I was seriously at risk.I had no business being there, and I knew it.With my husband gone, there was no cause for me to visit the grocery store.Normally, I have to be accountable for the foods I buy and store in my pantry and fridge.But for the next four glorious days, this would not be the case.I could eat anything.ANY-THING.The options suddenly seemed deliciously tempting and overwhelmingly available.Aisles and shelves of delectable items: corn chips, squirt cheese, mixed nuts, chocolate candies, and cookies begged me to sample their comforts.These snack items, I knew, had long been attracted to my thighs.I heard one of them whistle when I passed by.In my mind, I felt entitled to a fling.After all, my mate would be in New York City dining in SoHo or Little Italy, immersed in culture and real cannoli (not the fake kind we’re served here in Texas), while I was home struggling to manage six separate remote controllers.He’d never know what sordid combination of goodies I’d purchased or ingested while he was away.By the time he returned, I would have destroyed all evidence of my wandering appetite.With a firm grip and equally firm resolve, I wheeled my buggy into action.Right off, the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos appealed to my desire for something naughty and saucy.But the butter-flavored kettle corn promised greater “pop per penny.” Who says I can’t have a little ménage à trois? Am I not woman enough to handle both? I tossed these temptations into my cart and continued on.Then I saw it, right there on the same aisle, the tin of honey-roasted nuts that guaranteed a sexy aroma.Did I want the 7-ounce can or the lap-band-surgery-here-I-come-size container? If I didn’t get too greedy, I might still have room for the double-crust pizza and peanut butter-filled Oreo cookies I’d been craving.You could argue that, after all this, I didn’t need those two king-size dark chocolate bars [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

Pokrewne