C T Musca My Former Self (epub)

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.Thanks, though.Have fun and I’ll see you tomorrow.”Now I can eat my dinner and sit down to watch my shows which are PVR‘d.I scroll down the list to find The Good Wife, one of my favourites right now.I watch it while eating my chicken dinner, having a glass of white wine from a cheap seven-dollar bottle, feeling content in my little apartment.I think back to Rosanna’s offer of a date.Why can’t people just leave me alone? If I wanted to date someone, I would.Dr.Roerke tried to set me up with one of his friends who had recently been divorced.He told me this guy was full of energy and would be able to keep up with a thirty-six-year-old.And then he laughed, looked at Cindy, and winked.I was embarrassed by his open flirtation, but I suppose Cindy is used to it.I told him that I was seeing someone, which was a lie.I had met a guy at the coffee shop on the way to work where I go every morning and see the same people.Just that week, a guy who I had seen each day for the past few months talked to me.He made small talk about the baristas, as the shop had just employed two new ones, who were slow in learning how to make all the specialty drinks.It really wasn’t anything, but this guy, who stayed in my mind for a while, was very useful in my conversation with Dr.Roerke.I have gone on dates, but I would rather do it on my own, without any “help” from my neighbours or employers.That way there are no expectations or requirements to divulge all the awkward details when I go into work the following Monday or leave my apartment to get groceries.My mind keeps wandering from Rosanna to Cindy to the guy from the coffee shop.I am not really watching the show I have on, so I decide to go to bed, even though it is not even ten thirty yet.I wake in the middle of the night after having a nightmare.I was in a boat in the middle of a lake.I was alone and anchored there.The next thing I knew, the boat careened to one side and I slipped into the water.Alone.For some reason I was unable to swim, even though I know very well how to swim.I started panicking, and then Dad was there in the boat, reaching his hand out for me to grab.I noticed my brother in another boat in the distance and tried to call to him, swallowing water in doing so.I was drowning.And that’s when I wake up.I am drenched.I look around the room, feeling scared, even though I know it’s just a nightmare and that no one is there.I look at the clock and see that it’s only four fifteen.Today is going to be a long day.Summer 1989Isit here in my room, daydreaming again.I find it so fascinating to picture my life in ten or twenty years.I imagine what I will look like, if the years will be kind to me.Will I have trouble losing weight after having kids, like my mom did? Of course I picture myself married with kids.I wonder what my husband will look like, if I know him already, or if I’ll meet him in the future.This dreaminess can go on for a long time, but I have to stop myself.I have to get ready because we are going for our family photo today.It was a gift my brother bought my parents for their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.He is in university and has a part-time job, so he can afford it.I’m told it was pretty expensive as he hired the top photographer in Lindsay.But no expense is too great for my parents, especially after my brother has given my parents a lot to stress over in the past four years.Jeremy never did well in school.The fact that he was accepted into a university at all—even if it was Carleton (a.k.a.“last chance U”)—was surprising.It’s not that he didn’t try—he did; he just didn’t do well.He’d study for hours and then come back with poor grades.My dad would just shake his head, and we all knew what that meant.He thought Jeremy’d be stuck in his current job for the rest of his life, flipping burgers at Joe’s Fine Eatery.There was nothing really fine about Joe’s.Most of the food was the premade, prepackaged, deep-fried garbage that sold so well in our little town.But then Jeremy would go back to his room to study for the next possible pop quiz.It was kind of a cycle that I just wanted to end, and it did in the summer of 1987 when Jeremy got accepted into general arts at Carleton University.I remember that it was summer because he was on a waiting list.I think none of us—including my brother himself—ever believed he’d actually get accepted.So when the letter arrived in late August, notifying my brother that a few more spots had opened and he was being offered one of them, we were all flabbergasted, especially my mom.She started crying and hugging him, calling him her baby, which I had never seen her do before.So he packed up shortly thereafter and moved to Ottawa, coming home holiday weekends and in the summer, where he continued to work at Joe’s.I have always looked forward to when Jer would come home.He is such a positive and modest person, and he has a way of making everyone laugh at the idiosyncrasies of life.He doesn’t really look like any of us and has often suspected that my parents secretly adopted him at birth.He’s got dirty blond hair, while the rest of us are brunette, and he is nearly six-foot three, noticeably taller than anyone else in the family.I hope the photographer will take special care while placing us for our picture, otherwise Jeremy will have more ‘proof’ that he’s not a Daverin.I really, really don’t want to go and pose for who-knows-how-long in Riverwood Park, where it’s thirty-one degrees outside.But my parents are touched by the gift, and they want to use it while we’re all at home.I would rather be doing something with Amanda or Kaitlyn.They are my best friends and we see each other almost every day in the summer.If one of our families decides to go on vacation, we’re usually allowed to invite someone along with us.Kaitlyn, however, doesn’t really go on family vacations.Her mom and dad split up when she was in elementary school—long before I knew her.Her mom has different boyfriends all the time and Kaitlyn is able to go out whenever she wants.I think that’s great, but she seems to look sad when either Amanda or I go on a family trip.We don’t really ever hear about her father; I think he’s non-existent in her life and has been for a long time.Today they are going to the beach, with Neil, Darren, and Greg—guys we often hang out with.I told them I couldn’t go, but hopefully I can meet up with them afterwards.After fixing my hair, trying to make my bangs stick up to look fuller, I am finally ready.I spray what seems like an entire can of Finesse on my hair and I am all set to go.I just need to grab a bite to eat to tide me over until I’m able to eat again.Uncle Jack is sitting in the family room.I am a little surprised to see him.He is not really my uncle, just our next-door neighbour, who hangs out with us since his wife left him.I’m not surprised to see him sitting there—he often is in our home—but I am surprised he is here on picture day.Surely he won’t be in the picture.“Hey, Tonya.You look absolutely beautiful!”“Thanks.I think Mom and Dad are still getting ready.We’re going to have a family portrait taken today.” I say it as matter-of-factly as I can so that he is well aware.“I know.Bob and Sharon asked me to be in it with you guys.I said no at first, but they insisted.They said I’m part of the family.” He says it almost as though he is looking for confirmation.As he is speaking he opens his hand to offer me a mint.“Oh, that’s great,” I say, taking a mint, though I’m not sure I’m convincing.Don’t get me wrong, I like Jack.He is a loyal friend to the family, and he would do anything my parents asked of him [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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