Cressida Cowell [How to Train How to Speak Dragonese (epub) i

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.The boys' dragons were lying in front of the gigantic fire, snapping and snarling at each other.Snotlout and Dogsbreath the Duhbrain were sitting on Fishlegs while Fireworm set fire to a pile of Fishlegs's workbooks."Why don't you pick on someone your own size, you brainless brutes?" snapped Hiccup at the bullies, putting out the fire with his jacket."Thanks, Hiccup," panted Fishlegs."Well, well, well," drawled Snotlout, removing his knee from Fishlegs's stomach and sauntering over to where Hiccup was sitting."Some Vikings you two are! I hear you couldn't even tell the difference between a Peaceable fishing boat and a seventy-meter Roman ship, and you have got to be the first pirates EVER to sink their own boat.""Har har har har," laughed all the other boys."And most pathetic of all," jeered104Snotlout, "you lost your ridiculous fangless microbe of a dragon.""Some loss," sneered Fireworm, sharpening her claws on Hiccup's helmet with an acutely unpleasant scritching noise."That creature was a disgrace to us green-blooded FireBrothers of the Snake.""Toothless was a fine, fine dragon," said Hiccup quietly, trying to keep his temper."He was a HOPELESS dragon," mocked Snotlout."Never mind, Hiccup.He'll make a much better Roman handbag --""YOU TAKE THAT BACK, YOU SNOT-FACED, SNOT-NOSED, ELEPHANT-NOSTRILLED, BOTTOM-BRAINED BULLY!" yelled Hiccup.The door opened with a gigantic crash."Excellent Advanced Rudery, Hiccup!" roared Gobber the Belch."We'll make a Viking of you yet!""I hope you don't mind, sir," spat Snotlout, advancing on Hiccup with his fists raised and a nasty look in his eye, "if I just kill him for that one.""But I do mind," said Gobber."This is a Frightening Foreigners lesson, not a free-for-all--105SIDDOWN NOW YOU 'ORRIBLE LITTLE EXCUSES FOR VIKINGS!"The boys scrambled for their places on the floor at Gobber's feet.Even Snotlout knew better than to disobey Gobber, and he sat down too, muttering darkly to Hiccup that he would get him later."This lesson is all about Taking Money with Menaces," yelled Gobber."HICCUP! WARTIHOG! Stand up here in the front.Hiccup, I want you to be the Hooligan Invader and Wartihog to be the simple Gaulish farmer.What Terrifying Techniques can you use to get Wartihog's belongings?"Hiccup got to his feet, but he wasn't really concentrating."Excusez-moi, mon brave, " said Hiccup absent-mindedly."Mais pouvez-vous me donner votre -- "Wartihog bashed him."OH FOR THOR'S SAKE, HICCUP!" exploded Gobber loudly "I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID A MOMENT AGO! HAVE I TAUGHT YOU NOTHING? VIKINGS DON'T TALK IN SILLY FOREIGN LANGUAGES, THEY YELL, HICCUP, YELL!"106Gobber controlled himself with an effort."Sit down, Hiccup.Snodout, show PATHETIC Hiccup how to perform this perfectly simple exercise."Two seconds later, to great cheers of "BRAVO!" from Gobber and the rest of the class, Snotlout had Wartihog in a Baggybum Bearhug and was removing not only his money but also his helmet, jacket and trousers.Gobber put his hands on his hips, threw back his huge hairy head until the horns on his helmet touched the wall behind him and shouted with laughter."YOU SEE, HICCUP?' he bellowed in between great guffaws."THATS HOW TO FRIGHTEN A FOREIGN --"The door flew open.Two enormous, masked Kidnappers crashed into the room with yells that froze the blood and made the hairs on Hiccup's head stand up like the spines on a sea urchin.They were dressed in traditional Bog-Burglar costume, but it was obvious to Hiccup that this was a couple of Roman soldiers in not a very good disguise.For starters Bog-Burglar soldiers were always women.But these were clearly big hairy muscly men in dresses with pigs' bladders stuffed down their blouses instead of bosoms.107The First Kidnapper was holding a couple of double-headed axes the size of dinner plates, and he threw one of these as hard as he could in Gobber's direction.The axe flew through the air, missed Gobber's head by a hair' s-breadth, and pinned him to the wall by his beard."AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" gurgled Gobber, unable to move and gazing at the shining blade less than a centimeter from his nose."HE WHO IS MOVING, PLEASE, LOSES ZE HEAD, AND ZE DRAGONS ALSO," yelled the First Kidnapper, speaking very badly in Norse* and swinging the other axe round his head.Not a boy or a dragon moved."Okey-dokey please," continued the First Kidnapper in a quieter voice."Give us what we is wantings and nobody she gets hurt.Which one of you is being the Heir to the Hairy Hooligans?"Everyone was silent."No make me get cross, please." warned the First Kidnapper."You no like her when she is cross," said the second one, fingering his axe lovingly.*Norse is the language all Vikings speak.108"Just tell me.WHO IS BEING THE HEIR TO THE HAIRY HOOLIGANS?"Nobody answered them and now they started talking to each other in Latin."OK, Marcus," the First Kidnapper said to the Second Kidnapper.109"They're not telling, but the Boss said the Heir to the Hairy Hooligans is a weedy-looking kid -- which one is he, then?"[Image: The centurion a pig.]The Second Kidnapper pointed at Hiccup."It must be that one with the red hair," he said."Look at him, he's got arms like spaghetti!""But what about the one with the face like a110haddock?" objected the First Kidnapper, indicating Fishlegs."That's got to be the weediest-looking kid I've ever seen in my life.""Oooh, it's a toughie," said the Second Kidnapper."I think we have to take them both, just in case, If we get it wrong the Boss will be cross, and you know what he's like when he's cross."So the Second Kidnapper picked up both Hiccup and Fishlegs and put them over his shoulders."You must be doing countings to a thousands before you is leavings this room," the First Kidnapper warned the class of openmouthed Viking boys."Or we be killings these boys! You be tellings your Chief that Big-Boobied Bertha sends you her lovings and is giving you this letter."The Kidnappers handed Wartihog a piece of paper addressed to Stoick.Gobber the Belch had turned purple in the face.He was still stuck to the wall by his beard with the Kidnapper's axe.A beard was a Hooligan's pride and joy.The redder, the hairier, the tanglier the better, as far as the Hooligans were concerned.It was a terrible insult to lay so much as a finger on another Viking's beard -- let alone pin him to the wall with it.111"REVENGE!" bellowed Gobber, trying to pull himself free from the axe but only succeeding in tearing out pieces of his precious beard."CHIEF STOICKTHE VAST WILL DECLARE A BLOOD FEUD ON THE BOG-BURGLARS WHEN HE HEARS YOU HAVE STOLEN HIS HEIR AND RUINED MY BEARD!""These aren't Bog-Burglars," warned Hiccup."Bog-Burglars are always women.These aren't women.Look! That one's bosom's just popped.These are Romans! Be sure and tell my father that --"The First Kidnapper clapped a large hand over Hiccup's mouth.But he didn't need to.Gobber wasn't listening to Hiccup anyway.He had gone into a blood-rage just like Stoick ten minutes earlier."THE BOG-BURGLARS WILL RUE THE DAY THEY DARED TO MESS WITH THE BEARD OF GOBBER THE BELCH! MAKE NO MISTAKE, I'M GOING TO SEE THE CHIEF ABOUT THIS!""You be doings that," grinned the First Kidnapper, and the Kidnappers left the room, taking Hiccup and Fishlegs with them.1129 [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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