Antonia Fraser [Jemima Shore Quiet as a Nun (v2.0) (epub) id

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.We too have made that sacrifice, in honour of Our Blessed Lord.' She fell into silence again.‘It can be very hard.Even at times too hard, unless the grace of God comes to our aid.Sister Miriam—''Yes, Mother?' I said as helpfully as possible.'Perhaps the sacrifice was a little too much for her? Who can tell? Perhaps Sister Miriam should never have become a nun in the first place.I wondered so much about her vocation.'This was surprising.I had anticipated some more religious bromides, as I described them to myself, about the value of the sacrifice.Mother Ancilla took my hand and said suddenly and urgently:'Jemima, we must talk.' This time she did not call me her child.'We don't have much time.''I'm not all that busy,' I began.I realised with a faint chill that she was talking about herself.'I'll begin with Sister Miriam; Rosabelle as you knew her.' It was a pathetic story, not uncommon perhaps in a single woman these days, a spinster.But I was conventional enough to be shocked by its happening to a nun.A decline in health.A form of nervous breakdown, culminating in a hysterical outburst in the middle of teaching.Sister Miriam was whisked away to a sister house of the convent in Dorset by the sea, a convalescent home.There she found the greatest difficulty in eating, although with the help of tranquillizers her composure returned.After six months Sister Miriam was adjudged ready to return to Blessed Eleanor's.But she was given light duties, French conversation with the Junior school—I gave an involuntary smile.'That wouldn't have been a light duty in my day,' I explained hastily.'We have a language laboratory nowadays.The gift of an old girl.'A laboratory.That reminded me of the old days of my father's arguments.I wondered if God had ever sent Mother Ancilla that experienced science mistress.And was it too much to hope that God would also have inspired an old girl to endow a science laboratory?'And the most beautiful science laboratory, by the way.How pleased Captain Shore would have been to hear that, wouldn't he, Jemima?' So she had not forgotten.Mother Ancilla never forgot an adversary.'Did you get the science mistress too?' I couldn't resist asking.Mother Ancilla opened her eyes wide.'Why, of course.They both came together.Sallie Lund, an American girl.When she joined the Order in 1960 she was already a trained scientist, so naturally she could teach science here.And as her father pointed out, she could hardly teach science without a laboratory.A very dear man, and most practical about money, as Americans generally are.So he gave us it.'I was only surprised that it had taken Mother Ancilla till 1960 to iron this matter out.We had been distracted.Mother Ancilla returned to a sadder topic than her scientific victories.'As I was saying, Sister Miriam appeared to return to normal, although she still found great difficulty in eating.Difficulty that persisted for all her valiant efforts to overcome it.She told me once that strange visions seized her, that God wanted her to die, to go to Him, so that it was His will that she should not feed the flesh.'For a moment, I felt a strong distaste for the whole convent and all its works expressed in such language.'I told her that it was God's will that she should make a good nun and eat up her supper.Such as it was,' said Mother Ancilla sharply.I remembered that uncanny attribute she had of seeming to read one's thoughts.'A form of anorexia nervosa, I suppose.'But the story got worse.Rosabelle began to talk of her visions, eat less, hide her food, got thinner, a doctor was called, more doctors.She got fatter again.She seemed more cheerful.She took more interest in life around her.One day when attention was no longer focused on her and her affairs she disappeared.A typed note was found: 'I can no longer hide from the community that I have lost my vocation.I have gone to London to stay with my relations.Please don't try to find me.I want to find myself.''I want to find myself!' I echoed.It was the phrase Rosa had used to me years ago in our teenage discussions about our future, lasting half the night.'But of course she never went,' I said.'No, poor unhappy Sister Miriam.She went to Blessed Eleanor's Tower and locked herself in and - well, you probably know the rest.You probably read the newspapers.' I nodded.'What's her name? The nun who knew all the time where she was and never told.''Sister Edward.'Sister Edward.She was the one I felt sorry for.But how she could have been such an idiot - 'She is young, young in religion, she has only just stopped her postulancy.I think she really believed Sister Miriam when she spoke of her vision and the need to undergo a period of trial and purgation.And then when she realised that all along Sister Miriam had lain there, that the old key had snapped off, that she had tried to escape and been too weak, the door locked, growing gradually weaker, she nearly broke down herself.''It might have been better not to go into the court with that story all the same.'Mother Ancilla opened her eyes wide.'That would have been against the law, Jemima.' I was reminded of the formidable rectitude of the convent.'All the same, to give the coroner the opportunity to refer to the centuries-long tradition of perverse practices and cruelty of the Church of Rome, and the suggestion that Sister Edward gloried in Sister Miriam's death.''Our reputation is very low around here now I fear.They are simple people.It's quite deep country you know.Churne village has people in it who have never been to London, for all the short distance.The nuns hate to go shopping alone at the moment.Some very hurting remarks are made.'At last I perceived why Mother Ancilla had sent for me.It was, I assumed, to rectify the convent's 'image' in the national, or at any rate, the local mind [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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