Don't Stand Too Close to a Nake Tim Allen

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.There were eight hundred women at a club in the middle of Michigan to see Flexy and his greasy, pumped-up crew.That was when I finally learned that women--especially in large groups of two or more--are not used to taking no for an answer.It was very illuminating.Maybe it's because they haven't been watching men strip forever, but they were rude and rude beyond rude.They'd grab these guys and the bodyguards would have to knock them off.Do that in a female strip club and they'll cut off your arm.Meanwhile, I'd be yelling into the microphone, "Hey lady, that's not a roll of quarters you're reaching for!"After four or five hours, these women got, bored with Flexy's guys and they started pointing at me.I said, "Nah." They said."Yeah." I said, "Nah." What they wanted involved dancing and looking foolish.Dancing is not a male thing.Dancing for must men is just killing time."Can we go home now? Let's go, ah.make love, or something."But these women wouldn't back down.So 1 started rolling my hips, kind of getting into it.(Hey, I was flattered!) Eventually I got $96 tucked into my pants.Then, suddenly, a group of ladies pulled me off the stage and ripped off my watch.They ripped down the entire front of my pants.They pulled my suit coat, down behind my back, immobilizing my arms.I've seen the mob do this in movies.Then an older woman--close to my mom's age--started yelling: "I've got his quarters! I've got his quarters!""Ma'am, once again"--by now my voice was a high-pitched squeak--"these are not quarters you're grabbing." She paid no attention.Somehow I freed my arms and I elbowed this woman so hard that she crashed backward into a chair.She had to le t go.She fell down and crumpled in a heap.I didn't realize I'd hit her that hard.I was shocked.I felt miserable--until she somehow got back up, took a slug of some brown liquor, and said,"You're not getting rid of me that easy, sonny boy"'These days women want what they want.And why not, especially if they'll take an elbow to the head and get right up again to get it.Women can complain all day long that men have all the power.I know a grandmother in Michigan who could show them a thing or two.In fact, there are many dynamics in the world.But none is more important to me than the drive to procreate.Let me paraphrase Lynn Margulis and Dorion Sagan, from Microcosmos, their book about bacteria: There's no greater dynamism in life than life itself.The odds of life's existing are rare, but once it starts it's very difficult to stop.And we are part of that dynamic process of life: cells dividing and finding new ways to beat the odds.The whole universe, allegedly, is black and cold and nothing.Ninety-nine percent of the universe is an unknown quantity.And only a minute part of the one percent that's left is life.As far as we know, we're the only thing alive.There's no proof and no indication otherwise.Earth might contain the only life in creation.We might be far more important and far more of an experiment than we think.Whatever the case, men and women fight and struggle way too much on their path to figuring out the truth.They are compelled to become unified and have a baby.Sorry, we weren't created to have sex just for a good time.The reason it's a good time is to get us to reproduce in spite of all the hassles encountered along the way.(Then we can have a good time, okay?) We just end up piling on all sorts of metaphysical attitudes and sociological theories, trying to explain why two species so unlike each other-and who often so dislike each other--absolutely have to get together.Ultimately, it's like eating; you can't help it.That's why the majority of the population is attracted to the opposite sex.Some societies separate the men and women.The reason is that men get along better with men, and women get along better with women.But after being in prison, I know that we can't do that forever because it turns men--I can only speak for men--into very violent creatures.Without women around, we become very violent and very sad, and very uninspired and very one-sided.It's called watching too much sports on TV.My philosophy is that most of what I've done in life is because of women--and even more so because of my name.I got clued into the realities early.It's my half of the imperative of existence.I had to find a woman and reproduce.I'm not the only person ever to say this: Camille Paglia says this; Dr.Joyce Brothers says this; eve n Warren Beatty eventually did this.As a kid, you can be so happy.Then you discover women and you're so unhappy.Then happy and unhappy and happy.These differences, this rhythm, underlies everything I ever wanted to say about being a man, and about being molded by my reflection in women's eyes.As Tim Dick I just got to think about it more than most, because it all starts "down there."Wow.I think I need a woman right now!Honey? I have something to show you.And get a couple bucks from the cookie jar.I feel like dancing.animal boyLittle boys are animals.They're indestructible creatures made of sticks and stones and ball bearings.Their mission is clear: push the boundaries wherever possible.Keep in mind that teenage girls and raging hormones aren't yet in the picture.Ah.ignorance is truly bliss.- - -I grew up on Marion Street in Denver, Colorado.I was born in 1953.Fascinating, isn't it? (Well, at my age it's important to test my memory whenever I can.) I hung out in this great neighborhood gang.great neighborhood gang.Remember? You were in one [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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