Anne Rice [Vampire Chronicles Interview

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.I saw my real gods…the gods of most men.Food, drink, and security in conformity.Cinders.”The boy’s face was tense with a mixture of confusion and amazement.“And so you decided to become a vampire?” he asked.The vampire was silent for a moment.“Decided.It doesn’t seem the right word.Yet I cannot say it was inevitable from the moment that he stepped into that room.No, indeed, it was not inevitable.Yet I can’t say I decided.Let me say that when he’d finished speaking, no other decision was possible for me, and I pursued my course without a backward glance.Except for one.”“Except for one? What?”“My last sunrise,” said the vampire.“That morning, I was not yet a vampire.And I saw my last sunrise.“I remember it completely; yet I do not think I remember any other sunrise before it.I remember the light came first to the tops of the French windows, a paling behind the lace curtains, and then a gleam growing brighter and brighter in patches among the leaves of the trees.Finally the sun came through the windows themselves and the lace lay in shadows on the stone floor, and all over the form of my sister, who was still sleeping, shadows of lace on the shawl over her shoulders and head.As soon as she was warm, she pushed the shawl away without awakening, and then the sun shone full on her eyes and she tightened her eyelids.Then it was gleaming on the table where she rested her head on her arms, and gleaming, blazing, in the water in the pitcher.And I could feel it on my hands on the counterpane and then on my face.I lay in the bed thinking about all the things the vampire had told me, and then it was that I said good-bye to the sunrise and went out to become a vampire.It was…the last sunrise.”The vampire was looking out the window again.And when he stopped, the silence was so sudden the boy seemed to hear it.Then he could hear the noises from the street.The sound of a truck was deafening.The light cord stirred with the vibration.Then the truck was gone.“Do you miss it?” he asked then in a small voice.“Not really,” said the vampire.“There are so many other things.But where were we? You want to know how it happened, how I became a vampire.”“Yes,” said the boy.“How did you change, exactly?”“I can’t tell you exactly,” said the vampire.“I can tell you about it, enclose it with words that will make the value of it to me evident to you.But I can’t tell you exactly, any more than I could tell you exactly what is the experience of sex if you have never had it.”The young man seemed struck suddenly with still another question, but before he could speak the vampire went on.“As I told you, this vampire Lestat wanted the plantation.A mundane reason, surely, for granting me a life which will last until the end of the world; but he was not a very discriminating person.He didn’t consider the world’s small population of vampires as being a select club, I should say.He had human problems, a blind father who did not know his son was a vampire and must not find out.Living in New Orleans had become too difficult for him, considering his needs and the necessity to care for his father, and he wanted Pointe du Lac.“We went at once to the plantation the next evening, ensconced the blind father in the master bedroom, and I proceeded to make the change.I cannot say that it consisted in any one step really—though one, of course, was the step beyond which I could make no return.But there were several acts involved, and the first was the death of the overseer.Lestat took him in his sleep.I was to watch and to approve; that is, to witness the taking of a human life as proof of my commitment and part of my change.This proved without doubt the most difficult part for me.I’ve told you I had no fear regarding my own death, only a squeamishness about taking my life myself.But I had a most high regard for the life of others, and a horror of death most recently developed because of my brother.I had to watch the overseer awake with a start, try to throw off Lestat with both hands, fail, then lie there struggling under Lestat’s grasp, and finally go limp, drained of blood.And die.He did not die at once.We stood in his narrow bedroom for the better part of an hour watching him die.Part of my change, as I said.Lestat would never have stayed otherwise.Then it was necessary to get rid of the overseer’s body.I was almost sick from this.Weak and feverish already, I had little reserve; and handling the dead body with such a purpose caused me nausea.Lestat was laughing, telling me callously that I would feel so different once I was a vampire that I would laugh, too.He was wrong about that.I never laugh at death, no matter how often and regularly I am the cause of it.“But let me take things in order.We had to drive up the river road until we came to open fields and leave the overseer there.We tore his coat, stole his money, and saw to it his lips were stained with liquor.I knew his wife, who lived in New Orleans, and knew the state of desperation she would suffer when the body was discovered.But more than sorrow for her, I felt pain that she would never know what had happened, that her husband had not been found drunk on the road by robbers.As we beat the body, bruising the face and the shoulders, I became more and more aroused.Of course, you must realize that all this time the vampire Lestat was extraordinary.He was no more human to me than a biblical angel.But under this pressure, my enchantment with him was strained.I had seen my becoming a vampire in two lights: The first light was simply enchantment; Lestat had overwhelmed me on my deathbed.But the other light was my wish for self-destruction.My desire to be thoroughly damned.This was the open door through which Lestat had come on both the first and second occasion.Now I was not destroying myself but someone else.The overseer, his wife, his family.I recoiled and might have fled from Lestat, my sanity thoroughly shattered, had not he sensed with an infallible instinct what was happening.Infallible instinct…” The vampire mused.“Let me say the powerful instinct of a vampire to whom even the slightest change in a human’s facial expression is as apparent as a gesture.Lestat had preternatural timing.He rushed me into the carriage and whipped the horses home.‘I want to die,’ I began to murmur.‘This is unbearable.I want to die.You have it in your power to kill me.Let me die.’ I refused to look at him, to be spellbound by the sheer beauty of his appearance.He spoke my name to me softly, laughing.As I said, he was determined to have the plantation.”“But would he have let you go?” asked the boy.“Under any circumstances?”“I don’t know.Knowing Lestat as I do now, I would say he would have killed me rather than let me go.But this was what I wanted, you see.It didn’t matter.No, this was what I thought I wanted.As soon as we reached the house, I jumped down out of the carriage and walked, a zombie, to the brick stairs where my brother had fallen.The house had been unoccupied for months now, the overseer having his own cottage, and the Louisiana heat and damp were already picking apart the steps.Every crevice was sprouting grass and even small wildflowers.I remember feeling the moisture which in the night was cool as I sat down on the lower steps and even rested my head against the brick and felt the little wax-stemmed wildflowers with my hands.I pulled a clump of them out of the easy dirt in one hand.‘I want to die; kill me.Kill me,’ I said to the vampire.‘Now I am guilty of murder.I can’t live.’ He sneered with the impatience of people listening to the obvious lies of others.And then in a flash he fastened on me just as he had on my man.I thrashed against him wildly.I dug my boot into his chest and kicked him as fiercely as I could, his teeth stinging my throat, the fever pounding in my temples [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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