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."Are you all right?" Kyung asked, concerned."Fine, just dust."We headed back downstairs, wrapping supplies in tow, and planted ourselves on the living room floor to wrap presents.Kyung picked out the papers and addressed the cards while I wrapped."This is nice," he said after a while."We need some Christmas music though.""I have some.I don't listen to music very much anymore though." I got up and went to the old dusty stereo, running my hand along the shelf of LPs, thoroughly labeled in Braille for me by Kali.I pulled out an old Christmas album and set it on the turntable."Better?" I asked as the first notes of Silent Night began to crackle from the speaker."Much better," laughed Kyung."You have a lot of albums.""I love music," I admitted."Why don't you listen anymore?"I sighed."It all reminded me of Kali.By the time I could think of her without it being too painful, I'd gotten out of the habit.""Does it?" he asked."Become less painful, I mean.I'm—" he paused."I'm worried it never will."The fact that Kyung's father was dying struck me like a brick.Of course, I knew that.And I knew Kyung loved him.Why did I think he wouldn't be going through pain? Was the bitterness he was projecting simply a facade to keep himself together? Kyung had stopped moving, and suddenly I felt the urge to put my arms around him."It does," I told him."It doesn't stop hurting, but it gets less… sharp.It can be a good pain." The familiar arrangement of the Christmas album wafted over me, drawing me back into Christmas memories."You remember the good times you had."Kyung sniffed."I'm trying to make the most of the time I have left," he said."I don't want to fight with my father like I always did, but I can't help it.I feel… ungrateful.Like I will hate myself later." He sniffed again."I'm sorry, I shouldn't burden you with my thoughts.""You're not… burdening me," I said.He shifted closer and then, mercifully, let me put my arms around him.He sunk into me, too still to be crying, but I could feel the tenseness in his body."I'm sorry, Kyung.""How did Kali die?" he asked quietly."She was walking home from work, and a drunk driver hit her," I said, shuddering at the memory of that night.The phone call from the hospital, waiting for her to get out of surgery, the news that it had failed… "It was quick.That morning I kissed her goodbye before she left for work, and that night she was gone.""I'm so sorry.""I thought my life was over too," I sighed."She was everything.I—I was so dependent on her, she did everything for us, all the paperwork, the shopping.I just… I didn't even realise everything she did for me.It's been over a year, and I'm still finding things that I have no idea how to do for myself.""You don't seem dependent to me," said Kyung softly."Do you really believe that?" I asked him."Or are you just telling yourself that because you don't want to get involved with someone you might end up having to take care of."Kyung stiffened again from where he had been slumped against me."You must think I am very unkind and selfish.""I don't blame you," I said quickly."It's just that—""No." He shifted away from me and stood."I've given you a negative impression of me, and it's my own fault.I should go.""Kyung, don't go—" I called after him, but managed to swallow the words I don't want to be alone.How pathetic and needy would that make me seem? It wasn't any wonder he was leaving.But I didn't want him to think I thought badly of him.He stopped at the door to put on his boots, and part of me wanted to chase after him.But what could I do? Rush out the door after him, grab his arm, kiss him? It wouldn't be fair to either of us to trap him in something he felt bitter about.I knew that, and I shouldn't have deceived myself otherwise.It wasn't as if I even knew if Kyung was interested in me.All he'd wanted from me originally was a kiss, and then to help me discover my latent sexual urges.Nothing serious.Perhaps I was even more desperate for an emotion connection than a physical one.The door slammed shut, and I got up to turn off the record-player.I scooped up the presents and cards and put them to the side of the room.Then I went upstairs to bed.I didn't want to cry, or break down.But what was I going to do now? Was I going to be alone forever? Could I live like that?My bed felt empty and cold, and I could barely remember Kyung's warmth against me.I wished that he was right, that I wasn't dependent.I wished we could have a relationship that we were equals in.I wished for Kali back, as I always had, but part of me wished that I had never had her, so that I wouldn't always have to compare other lovers to her.It had been wrong of me to say those things to Kyung.Wrong of me to expect anything of him, or to want him to be like Kali.Maybe Kyung was a little selfish, but so was I.That didn't mean we couldn't have had something, if I hadn't gone and ruined it by expecting too much of him.I sighed, rolling onto my back and listening to the empty quiet of the house.Christmas was less than a week away.I would go to Missy's, I decided, and talk to Kyung then.I'd apologise, and ask him to forgive me.Maybe, just maybe, we could work something out.*~*~*"I invited Kyung-sam and his father too," said Missy happily.She'd picked me up early, and I could feel the faint warmth of the sunlight on my skin through the window of the car.It was a beautiful Christmas morning."They'll be coming around three to help with dinner.""That's nice," I said, my heart doing a little jolt [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]