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.I’m just being honest.Because that’s another thing about me (we’re going to find out so much about each other, Martin.We’re going to become such confidantes!) – I’m disgracefully honest.I’ve built a career on it.Or rather, I’m building a career on it.Because, while I’m being honest and before you get too scared, I’m no big shot.I may write for the biggest and baddest paper in town, but I’m no kingmaker or king breaker.I’m not the Fake Sheikh.I’m just a reporter on the showbiz desk.I write what I’m told.And – contrary to popular belief and stereotype – I make sure everything I write is true.My mate Harry the Dog says it’s going to be the downfall of me, my honesty.‘Don’t be so bloody honest all the time,’ he says.‘Don’t start forming your own opinions, just write what you’re told to think.’His mate Rochelle (she’s the editor of the magazine supplement – it’s called Amazeballs!, I’m sure Mrs Harbottle is a fan) is even more perplexed by the idea.‘Honesty? Totes yawnsville,’ she told me.‘Like, seriously: whatevs.’What about you, Martin? What do you think? Are you worried I’m going to write about you? About your trains? Is that why you wrote back to me? I can’t help wondering…Tell you what, seeing as we’re here, why don’t you tell me about yourself? Do you love your job? Or do you grow frustrated? Do you sometimes feel like you’re no longer doing the things that fired up your passion for train management in the first place? Is being Managing Director of Premier Westward trains a bit like being headmaster of a very large and very complicated school? Are you one of those headmasters who first got into it because he wanted to teach, to feel the visceral thrill, the exhilarating responsibility of standing in front of a roomful of children and actually educating them… and now spends his days gazing at spreadsheets in an office by himself, balancing budgets and juggling timetables and stressing over staff quotas and never actually going anywhere near a classroom or interacting with any of the children except to send them home in disgrace?Or do you love the power? Do you get off simply on being the man in charge? Do you prefer being the field marshal, safely miles behind the front, gazing at his models and blithely giving the orders?Of course not.You’re the man of action! You’re there on the sharp end, helping out where you can.You told me that already.Hey, guess what? Look at the time! Tempus fugit! Twenty-one of your minutes wasted.My work here is done… but I do look forward to you addressing my concerns.In fact, I can’t wait!Au revoir!DanFrom: Martin.Harbottle@premier-westward.comTo: DantheMan020@gmail.comRe: 07.31 and 19.50 Premier Westward Railways trains between London Paddington and Oxford, June 3.Dear DanThank you for your emails concerning the delayed 07.31 and 19.50 of June 3.I do understand how frustrating being late for both your journeys must have been.The problem in the morning was caused by a late-running earlier train in the Reading area which unfortunately had the effect of congesting many subsequent services, of which yours was one.The delay in the evening was due to faulty signalling in Southall.It is something we are continuing to address with Network Rail and I agree that it is simply not good enough.On a personal note, I would like to assure you that as Managing Director I take all of our customers’ concerns very seriously – and not just those who work for ‘tabloid’ newspapers! But on that note, I would also like to stress that I consider this a private correspondence and would not expect any of it to appear in print.I do hope that, even if you are unhappy with the service we are providing, I can assure you on a personal level that as Managing Director of Premier Westward, I am striving to do all I can to provide you with the best commuting experience I can.YoursMartinLetter 4From: DantheMan020@gmail.comTo: Martin.Harbottle@premier-westward.comRe: 07.31 Premier Westward Railways train from London Paddington to Oxford, June 8.Amount of my day wasted: five minutes.Just a little one today, Martin.A small but perfectly formed five-minute delay.Pert – that’s the word.A pert little delay.So small, so perfectly formed, so pert, in fact, that I’ve not even had time to finish my crossword today (confession: I love a crossword, me.I’m a sucker for a wordsearch.I’m all over a good game of Scrabble.My dad used to make them up for me, when I was a kid – meticulously tracing out the grids, shading in the dark spots with the retractable pencil he kept in his jacket pocket, carefully writing in the clues underneath and always including a space for ‘workings out’.)Anyway.This isn’t one of my dad’s.This isn’t in his league, sadly.This is the morning ‘Commuter’s conundrum’ from my daily red-top.I’ve scanned it in for you and everything, Martin.See if you can finish what I’ve started.Au revoir!DanAcross:1.Period 1811–20, beloved of Dandies5.Internet journal10.Lawful11.Ideal12.Melancholy14.Number in Frodo’s fellowship16.Cut18.Keep in custody20.Stuffy, uptight person21.Take advance action24.Dampened follicles (3,4)25.Every little helps for this supermarket27.Cricket exam28.Mass-transit systemDown:2.And so on3.__ Nous – Between ourselves4.Pick, select6.Citrus-like herb7.Impudence8.Move nearer to target9.Position13.Improves through paint or wallpaper15.Published issue17.Indicator19.Frugal home of Ancient Greeks22.Sing the praises of23.Fly-killing method26.Large body of waterLetter 5From: DantheMan020@gmail.comTo: Martin.Harbottle@premier-westward.comRe: 19.50 Premier Westward Railways train from London Paddington to Oxford, June 14.Amount of my day wasted: seven minutes.Dear MartinSeven minutes.‘Oh come on!’ you’re thinking.‘Give us a break! Cut us some slack! Seven minutes? What’s seven minutes?’Seven minutes, Martin, is 420 seconds.It’s over one tenth of an hour.It’s a cigarette.It’s the first glass of wine after another long day.A lot can happen in seven minutes.A two-month-old baby girl promised a kiss from Daddy before she falls asleep could drift off kiss-less in those seven minutes.Seven minutes can be an age, an eternity.It all depends on context.E, as I’m sure you don’t need reminding, totally equals mc squared.Take the recent brouhaha in North Africa.All those protestors, stopped in their tracks, shot down, executed.The authorities there are saying it was self-defence, that the army was fired upon first, that they were reacting to a hostile situation.I’m hearing different in the newsroom.But the point is – it all happened in a few bare minutes.In a few minutes – not even as many as seven – those 22 men went from just another bunch of chanting, protesting citizens uppity about some civil rights abuse or another to corpses.Bundles of rag and bone.Dead in the dust.Whether they were firing too, or whether they weren’t.Seven minutes can change the world.And if I’m any kind of journalist at all, I reckon those few minutes in the heat and the madness and the dust and the sand are going to cost an awful lot more than just those 22 bodies.Oh, Martin! Look at us.We’re getting far too serious.We need to calm down.We need to remember what we’re here for.We don’t want to hear about murder and mayhem in the squares of North Africa! Such talk can only bring us down.Have you ever been on the radio, Martin? I have.And let me tell you, seven minutes on the radio can feel like an awfully long time
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